SpaceSuckers

There is a phenomenon that has gotten way out of hand;I call it the space sucker. It is impossible to miss them since they exist all over the place. They are in malls, driving cars, walking on the streets, practically everywhere you would like to be, but can't because they are sucking up space. I have different categories which I think you will recognize as all too familiar.

Cell Phone Dum Dum. These folks walk along the street yacking away. They think they are in their own living room. Totally oblivious to anyone around them the saunter, sway, switch directions and in general never see anyone anywhere. They are so intent on their conversation that they will literally walk into you and then give you the evil eye as if you should have warned them. I am not going to put flashing lights on my running suit for inside a mall to avoid the Dum Dum's. I have also decided what's really fun to do is to halt and just as they are about to crash into you yell really loudly, in my best Steve Martin voice "Well excuuuuuse me!" and watch them jump. Scares the crap out of them and give me a smile.

Dual Lollipops sometimes known as Triple Lollipops Ok these folks are amazing. Spring seems to be a fertile breeding ground for them. These lollipops form an impenetrable link spanning an entire sidewalk or the entire space in a mall. They may even hold hands, making one feel like it's Red Rover time and wanting to bust through them Again, deep in conversation, love, or gossip, it makes the lone walker have to take kamakazee tactics to get anywhere. Sometimes I am driven to have to walk into the street to pass them, because they just don't hear me. I've thought about screaming something like "Make way I'm going to be sick" to see what happens. But the problem with that plan is that if you don't hurl pretty quickly they will just get pissy. They have an enormous sense of entitlement, just like the Dum Dum's.

The All Day Sucker I think I hate these folks the most. They carry several weapons to suck space at the same time. They are either driving a car or a stroller. If it's a stroller, then it's usually 2 nannies with double wide strollers or 1 nanny double wide and cell phone. No matter what they suck up entire streets. Frequently they don't speak English and are indignant if you speak your native tongue to them. I've thought about adressing them in Swahili just to see what they would do. It might be more positive. But the greatest menace is the Cell phone SUV driver, the academy award winner of space sucking and definitely the greatest menace to a pedestrian. Not only do they drive hideously huge cars sucking up our natural resources, but they are incessantly on the cell phone, which requires that they make HUGE turns (because they are only using one hand and can't control their monster car too well) making pedestrians jump in terror.

I haven't really totally figured out what to do with space suckers, but I think I'm going to get an air horn and hook it to my belt. Seems to me it will be effective and besides, I like to see space suckers jump.