Decisions

I leave a week from today. As the snow falls soundlessly outside, I am overwhelmed by what lies ahead. Surely this is not my first trip over nor shall it be my last, however I am struck by the decisions my colleagues and I must make. It has come into sharper focus because of the things happening in Haiti.

Last night, on CNN, I saw a sun burned Sean Penn being interviewed by some reporter. He talks about the impending disaster still to come, the rains and typhoid, and cholera. He speaks of the squalid conditions that already existed in Haiti. The reporter presses him about what happens when the focus is no longer on Haiti and Penn struggles for an answer; an answer I know and maybe he does too. People will forget and move on. Most of the money will go to the wrong people, and the most vulnerable will teeter on the edge of existence.  Many will fall off. There will be a few intrepid workers who will stay and try and make a difference. The decisions, dear readers, are what wear us down the most, not the work.

I shall go to Nambale and pray that the schools are in better order and able to work with us to create that self-sustaining dream we have. With the grace of God and the help of our partner KMET, I believe we shall succeed. However for every one child we feed in Nambale 20 are starving in Siaya, or Kitali. To decide how the aid shall be doled out and to whom; to insist on certain standards so we are the most efficient is the only way to succeed. But it is also to leaving others to fend for them. And lock or no lock on my heart, I realize the enormity of the problem and today I am rocked by the decisions.

One of my bags is packed. I carry books, software for the medical records and lollipops. The lollipops make me feel better, though they do little to alleviate the suffering. Maybe they give the children hope that next time Mama Susan comes it will be their turn to be fed. I know it helps me see a smile.

So when the cameras in Haiti stop filming, when I go off to do the very small amount that I do, don’t be impressed by the work the aid workers do, be impressed by the decisions we must make and know that we always wish we could do more.

Keep the faith y’all. Talk to you again when I hit Nairobi.

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